LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Bruce72 on Tue 23 Aug 2016, 16:31

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now." I LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME!!

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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Bruce72 on Tue 23 Aug 2016, 16:34

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been cancelled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”

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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by 1993firebird on Tue 23 Aug 2016, 16:58

Wait until I start eating marijuana brownies , I will be laughing all the time.

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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Bruce72 on Wed 24 Aug 2016, 18:15

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his recruits, and as he was walking away, he turned to the recruit and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.” The recruit replied, “Not me, Sarge…no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line!”

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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by pinger on Wed 24 Aug 2016, 18:45

That's good Bruce...

Here's a little jog in the park...

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry,
Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early,'            
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there.'  

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got
a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems.'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon,
so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in
as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had
been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always
run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home.'  

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked,

'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'


'Nope. Just when it's raining!''
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Bruce72 on Wed 24 Aug 2016, 19:02

Hilarious pinger!

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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Bruce72 on Thu 25 Aug 2016, 18:09

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Bruce72 on Thu 25 Aug 2016, 18:13

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by pinger on Thu 25 Aug 2016, 21:41

That lighthouse is old Bruce... but still good.
Will post a newer one...
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Bruce72 on Fri 26 Aug 2016, 12:38

A canadian calls the RCMP "Hello is the the RCMP?? I'm calling about my neigbour Antoine Smith. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood!" The next day the RCMP descends on Antoine's house and search the shed where the firewood is kept. They bust open every piece of firewood, but find no marijuana. They apologize to Antoine and leave. The phone rings at Antoine's.. "Hey Antoine, did the RCMP come to your house?" "Yep" "Did they chop all your firewood?" "Yep" "Happy Birthday Buddy!" 

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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Bruce72 on Fri 26 Aug 2016, 12:48

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
        A: He'll tell you.
Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots
        A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
        A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Bruce72 on Fri 26 Aug 2016, 12:50

Shortly after joing the Army, I was in line with some other inductees when the sergeant stepped forward with that day's assignments. He handed several tasks out and then asked, "Does anyone here have experience with radio communications?" A longtime ham radio operator, I shouted, "I do!" "Good," he said. "You can dig the hole for the new telephone pole."

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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Bruce72 on Fri 26 Aug 2016, 13:02

A large group of ISIS fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One JTF-2 soldier is better than ten ISIS fighters." 
The ISIS commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One JTF-2 soldier is better than one hundred ISIS fighters. 
Furious, the ISIS commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. 
The voice calls out again: "One JTF-2 soldier is better than a thousand ISIS fighters." 
The enraged ISIS commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought ... then silence. Eventually, one badly wounded ISIS fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men ... it's a trap. There's two of them."

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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by pinger on Fri 26 Aug 2016, 14:56

Nothing against blondes at all but...
There's this blonde painter you don't ever ever want to meet.

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.

"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Bruce72 on Fri 26 Aug 2016, 15:13

Made me laugh pinger!

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