LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Sun 19 Jul 2015, 09:31

Drinking With A Texas Girl

A Mexican, an Arab, and a TEXAS girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously, impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Texas girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In TEXAS, we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Sun 19 Jul 2015, 09:35

Newfoundland declares war on the U.S.A.

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Obama" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, ah, I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's John Deere farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day... " President Obama, the war is still on!
We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have at call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners.."

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN

God Bless Us All !

Canadian and Proud of it!!!
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Sun 19 Jul 2015, 09:40

One day while golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive (and very well endowed) and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:

Are you okay, what's your name?"

"Its Phil and I’m Okay thanks," I replied.

"Phil , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive . . . I was weak.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a few restorative brandys, and some creative putting lessons,

I thanked my host: "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile: “She won't know anything.

By the way, where is she?"


"Under the cart,,,," I said . . .
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Sun 19 Jul 2015, 09:42

The Lost Keys...

After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal "Pat Down."

They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically,
I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition.

He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right.

The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:
"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice.
"Are you kidding me?"he barked,
"I dropped you off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent.
Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!"
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Sun 19 Jul 2015, 09:48

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart looking like he was very uncomfortable. One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought … … but you are wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought … … but you are wrong.

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

The old man said: "I thought it was gas … … but I was wrong.
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Sun 19 Jul 2015, 09:49

The Drunk

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a crowded bus stop. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."

The drunk replies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Sun 19 Jul 2015, 09:55

As I have grown older:
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Condoms dont guarantee safe sex anymore…..a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the womans husband.

Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didnt take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!
The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his manhood with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

VIDEO SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money!
Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
She replies, "Hey dumb, dumb, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Sun 19 Jul 2015, 10:06

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday...I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy half-smiled with a perplexed look. "You're kidding me, right? You don't even know the way to the Post Office!”
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Sun 19 Jul 2015, 10:09

A man walks into Shoppers Drug Mart with his 8-year-old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,”What
are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms
son. Men use them to have safe sex."
“Oh I see," his son said.

Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.”

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why
are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one
for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

“Cool" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Who are these for?"

“Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO For Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”

“WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a
12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied.
“Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February,
one for March . . . .."

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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Sun 19 Jul 2015, 10:15

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital..

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he ....... suffocated........ Shocked
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Sun 19 Jul 2015, 10:24

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said,
"You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said... “Oh that’s lovely. How about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The doctor is fairly optimistic as the swelling in his eye and manhood is going down.
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Sun 19 Jul 2015, 10:29

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last; thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Sun 19 Jul 2015, 17:23

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.


(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' -- that will bring on a 'whatever'.)

(Cool Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!


(9) Don't worry about it, I've got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Sun 19 Jul 2015, 17:30

Larry.....

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..... '

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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Sun 19 Jul 2015, 17:39

The Husband Store:
A new store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, however you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs...

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Like Children...

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Good Jobs, Love Children, and are Extremely Good Looking...

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Very Good Jobs, Love Children, are Extremely Good Looking and Help With Most Housework...

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Exceptional Jobs that pay them very well, they Love Children, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with all the Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak, and they are 100% Faithful.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 18,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Please Exit to the right to make room for more unreasonable shoppers.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. Similar instructions are posted at the entrance of this store as well.

The first floor has wives that love making out.

The second floor has wives that love making out and have their own money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited..... bounce
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