LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Sun 19 Jul 2015, 17:46


A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town:

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Itís men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! ......I'm talking to that little shit on your lap." Laughing
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Sun 19 Jul 2015, 17:56

A woman went through a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign!

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely somebody wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Adam ate the apple, too! Men will never learn! Evil or Very Mad
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Sun 19 Jul 2015, 18:06

Cletus & Billy Bob

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day in Iowa when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere Tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared th e bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to .....a tractor."
lol!
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Sun 19 Jul 2015, 18:17

Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had nothing, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Sun 19 Jul 2015, 18:20

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto , when Danny is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, Little Peter takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A newspaper reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal ..... ," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replys.

"Sorry, since we are in Toronto , I just assumed you were." says the reporter and starts again.

"Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack ... " he continues writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jays fan either, the boy says.

"I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays fan.

What team, do you root for?" the reporter asks.

I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan." the child says..

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,

"Little French Brat from Quebec Kills Beloved Family Pet!"
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Trooper on Sun 19 Jul 2015, 18:27

Yeah there's some real good ones there , too funny , I like the alligator one except for me in real life I would jump in an join in with the ladies.
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Sun 19 Jul 2015, 18:35

THE PILOT AND THE PRINCESS



Once upon a time, a fighter pilot asked a beautiful princess , "Will you marry me?" The princess said, "No!" And the pilot lived happily ever after.

He flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and made love to skinny long-legged well endowed flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, martinis and Captain Morgan and never heard complaining and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and even left the toilet seat up.........

The end.......... Laughing
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by pinger on Sun 19 Jul 2015, 19:24

Thank you for starting this thread Riddick. We need levity dealing with vac and all.
It's healthy and you don't need a prescription filled or a bottle of scotch to read the remedy. †Wink † pinger.
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Mon 20 Jul 2015, 09:00

Glad to hear pinger........ it's mutual as it is good therapy for me as long as I can believe I am able to make a small difference for some.

Riddick
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Mon 20 Jul 2015, 09:07

'Stella Awards'!

For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

*SEVENTH PLACE*

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son

Start scratching!


* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...


* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more...

Double hand scratching after this one...


*FOURTH PLACE*

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot...


* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching...


*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, th e jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!!

* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Mon 20 Jul 2015, 09:15

We were dressed and ready to go to the Christmas Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's
just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long", I said, as we drove away. "That stupid beotch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her butt with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her lazy butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

She'd better not crap in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the cab was deafening..

>
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Mon 20 Jul 2015, 09:19

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He
decides to test it at dinner.
"Son, where were you today?"
The son says "at school dad."
Robot slaps the son!
"Ok, ok....I watched a dvd at my friends house!" the son says
"What dvd?" asks the father
"Toy story."
Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, ok....it was a porno" cries the son.
"What!? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son."
Robot slaps the mom!
Awkward Silence... scratch
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Mon 20 Jul 2015, 09:21

I'm so confused.

I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies.
Revenue Canada 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City, Provincial & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had
hired a bull to 'service' his cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Mon 20 Jul 2015, 09:24

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the
class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying
attention.

She went back to find out what was going on. He was
quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's
office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do
about it.

He did it and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the
room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk
with his manhood hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' said the teacher?

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could
stick it out til noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.' cheers
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Mon 20 Jul 2015, 09:40

This next one is not a joke........it might bring a tear to your eye and it might make you feel good......and it could lead to others feeling good.....heart-warming.

One day a teacher asked her students to

list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a
space between each name.

Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down.

It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.

That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual.

On Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling. 'Really?' she heard whispered. 'I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!' and, 'I didn't know others liked me so much.' were most of the comments.

No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another. That group of students moved on.

Several years later, one of the students was killed in Vietnam and his teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature.

The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin.

As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her. 'Were you Mark's math teacher?' he asked. She nodded: 'yes.' Then he said: 'Mark talked about you a lot.'

After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates went together to a luncheon. Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his teacher.

'We want to show you something,' his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket 'They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it.'

Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about him.

'Thank you so much for doing that,' Mark's mother said. 'As you can see, Mark treasured it.'

All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, 'I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home.'

Chuck's wife said, 'Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album.'

'I have mine too,' Marilyn said. 'It's in my diary'

Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. 'I carry this with me at all times,' Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she continued: 'I think we all saved our lists'

That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again.

The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don't know when that one day will be.

So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are special and important. Tell them, before it is too late.

And One Way To Accomplish This Is: Forward this message on. If you do not send it, you will have, once again passed up the wonderful opportunity to do something nice and beautiful.

If you've received this, it is because someone cares for you and it means there is probably at least someone for whom you care.

Remember, you reap what you sow. What you put into the lives of others comes back into your own.

As I have become more syndical in my years, I have also become more of a philosopher Smile

Food for thought:

People don't remember you for what you say.
People don't remember you for what you do.
People remember you for how you make them feel.

More often than not it's the little things that truly count.

Riddick
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