LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by pinger on Mon 20 Jul 2015, 20:53

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, even grass snakes folks, not just rattlesnakes. Here's why...

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.

THE END.
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Mon 20 Jul 2015, 22:05

A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat one day when he heard a voice say,

'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time,

reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Mon 20 Jul 2015, 22:11

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some Olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,
Sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it Whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate. Then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate em!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to poop out that cue ball, he measures everything first." !!!
Sad Shocked
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Mon 20 Jul 2015, 22:22

Ponderisms

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3. OK..... So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, dry cleaners depressed and prostitutes delayed?

12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

14. ! What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.

16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive!

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Question
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Mon 20 Jul 2015, 22:27

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' which eats things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says,
"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats frikin batteries like there's
no tomorrow!"

Embarassed
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Mon 20 Jul 2015, 22:32


A man and a woman were driving down the road,
arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly
the woman reached over and sliced off his manhood!!.
Angrily (lol....no duff), she tossed it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old
daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when
all of a sudden the schlong smacked their car windshield, stuck
for a moment, then flew off.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy,
what the heck was that?'
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl
to anything sexual at such a young age,
the father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.'

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face,
and after a moment said..
'Sure had a big willy on it, huh dad.
Embarassed


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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Mon 20 Jul 2015, 22:39

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu.

Tourist: $5
Broiled Missionary: $7
Fried Explorer: $9
Freshly Baked Conservatives, Liberals, Parti Québécois, New Democratic or Green Party: $150

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a huge price difference for the Canadian Politicians?'

The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of sh_t, it takes all morning.'

Shocked
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Tue 21 Jul 2015, 11:08

Secret to a lasting marriage

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide , they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to
treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka
her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to allthe husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wifefor your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go picka her up."


The Enda......Laughing

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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Tue 21 Jul 2015, 14:56

Q: Why did the boy blush when he opened the fridge?
A: He saw the salad dressing.
THE CROSS-EYED COW

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.
"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.
"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Tue 21 Jul 2015, 15:00

ANCY APPLES

PreviousNext
This guy was driving along a country road. Along the side of the road he sees a sign: "Apples, $5.00 each." So he pulls over to the side of the road and asks the farmer why his apples are so expensive. The farmer says, "Well, these are peanut butter and jelly apples." So the guy buys one. He says, "These apples only taste like jelly, where's the peanut butter?" The farmer says, "Turn the apple over and take a bit of the other side." Sure enough the other side tasted like peanut butter.
So he continues on his way and along the side of the road he sees another sign: "Apples, $20.00 each." So he gets out and asks the farmer why these apples are so expensive. "These are ham and cheese apples," the farmer says. So the guy buys one. The apple only tasted like ham, so he asked the farmer why and he said, "Turn the apple over and you will taste the cheese."
Then he is driving down the road again and he sees another sign: "Apples, $50.00 each." So he asks the farmer, "What's up with these apples being so expensive?" The farmer tells him they taste like a woman's you know what. So the guy buys one. He takes a bite into the apple and says "This apple tastes like s**t!"

The farmer says, "Turn it over."
Shocked
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Tue 21 Jul 2015, 15:09

THE FARMER'S DAUGHTERS

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.
Shocked


FARMER AND THE COW (a different cow)

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was full the cow kicked it down with her left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and she kicked it down with her right foot, so I tied her right to a pole too and I was getting upset.
As soon as I finished milkin'' her again she knocked down the bucket with her tail.....I said that was the last time....... I took off my belt and tied up her tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things ........just not worth trying to explain!
Arrow
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Tue 21 Jul 2015, 15:25

THE CLEVER FARMER

Q: Why did the farmer plow his field with a steamroller?
A: He wanted mashed potatoes.

FISHERMAN'S FRIEND

Did you hear the one about the good-looking teenage girl who went on a fishing trip with six old men?
She came home with a red snapper.


HARVARD ATTITUDE

There was a young country boy who was very bright. In fact he was bright enough to be accepted to Harvard.
One of his first assignments at Harvard was to write a paper on a famous person. He didn't know who he would write about so he decided to go to the library and do some research. But he didn't know where the library was. He saw a professor walking down the hall. He stopped the professor and said to him, "Do you know where the library is at?"
The professor looks at him strangely and says, "Young man, here at Harvard we never end a sentence in a preposistion."
The young man says, "Oh, excuse me. Do you know where the library is at, F__k face?"
Exclamation
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Tue 21 Jul 2015, 15:31

IDENTIFYING BUBBA

Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned. The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.

Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."

" He what" asks the mortician.

"Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with the two a**holes.'"
No
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Tue 21 Jul 2015, 15:42

HIGHLY ILLOGICAL

Two rednecks, Bubba (this was before Bubba passed away) and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZING!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinating thing I ever heard of! I can't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter was waiting.
"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.
Cooter asks, "What's logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You're gay, ain't ya?"

lol!


Q: What do you get when you line up 12 girls from Kentucky?

A: A full set of teeth.


Q: Why do cowgirls walk bow-legged?

A: Their boyfriends eat with their hats on.

Don't ask me to explain...K Question


A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.
All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.
The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"
The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."
The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"
Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."


Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"
The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"
Twisted Evil
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Re: LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Post by Riddick on Tue 21 Jul 2015, 15:59

A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!"
Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table.
"There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."
Rolling Eyes


An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes."
"I'm sorry sir.", said the ticket agent, "We don't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge", whispered Mildred.
"What", said Marge.
"I think this guy next to me is a pervert.", said Mildred.
"What makes you think that", asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all."
"I thought so", said Mildred, "But this one is eating my popcorn!" Sad


What has 72 arms and 36 heads an has an I.Q. of 12?
A redneck bar on Friday night........ Shocked

A Guys joke:
A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.

The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"

"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?".......knee slapper!!! Smile
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